Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in bj's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, March 13th, 2004
5:09 pm	aklsdfhoie;wakfshkdlfjs Now I'm on display. I am becoming. Hurt myself today. It's all for you. Do you like what I'm becoming? Cut myself today. It's all for you. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 6th, 2004
1:27 pm	some people are born with tragedy in their blood... hey. its been a long while since i last wrote here, i guess i just never had the time (metaphorically speaking). things are bittersweet right now. first off, sarah is the most beautiful person alive. she fills the gap that has for too long been open in my life. i have never been happier...EVER. just about everything else is fucked up. i have no friends...and i have not forsaken them like they want to think. people are so fucking stubborn, i wish that they could understand the things that are going on right now. i dont need this drama, i dont deserve it. why cant i have something good happen without something else going terribly wrong. hypocracy is a bitch. i love how the people you think you can trust turn out to be the very ones you were brought up to stay away from. i thought i had a friend, a brother, i thought i had someone i could count on. it turned out to all be a bunch of bullshit, and i grow weary of being the one to fix things. i will not this time. if hes happy screwing his closest over, then i hope he has a life full of fucked up relationships, because i refuse, i wont put up with it. and i dont think anyone will understand how much it hurts to say that. damn these fucking things that no one reads, i dont even know why i decided to write in here again. but no one else is out there to listen, no one cares. cant say im not used to it by now... Current Mood: fuck you Current Music: from autumn to ashes-no trivia (Comment on this)
Friday, February 20th, 2004
4:55 pm	w00p fuck you. sarah kicks ass. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 7th, 2004
11:34 am	true friends stab you in the front im really pissed off right now. im actually more hurt. things are just going really shitty, and exactly one week ago i thought they were getting better. i thought i had a best friend that i could count on. but ever since last weekend things have been getting fucked up, and its getting worse every day. i thought he was someone i could trust, and i thought that he felt the same way about me. its hard to think that this all starts over a girl... last weekend we went to a party. i guess it was fun, and there was this girl there, who will remain nameless, at least in here. up until that party, i had never thought of her as anything more than a friend. but i left that place totally enamored by her, and from what ive been hearing she felt something too. could this finally be the one thing that breaks this cycle of depression? i mean, this could be the final step to getting over the one who once had the power to make my day wonderful or the worst of my life. but no, everything once again, goes to hell. it appears she is the ex girlfriend of one of my old "friends" who ive never really considered to be a friend. this guy is an asshole. he was never a true friend to me, but since he was good friends with my best friend, i would put up with it. so even before this whole thing over the girl, i had made the desicion to break off ties with this person. my best friend knew this too. so, back to the girl. he went out with this gilr for a grand total of 4 days. count them, 4. and then dumped her for the stupidest reasons. i knew this would happen, i felt for her. and at the party, i dont know what happened. it might have been just laying on the golf course and staring at the stars, but i suddenly felt the need to be with her. i wouldnt let anything stop me. and i knew that it would piss him off, but i was ready to deal with it. what i wasnt ready to deal with was my best friend siding with him. this whole week he has been cold, and now i know why. after all we've been through, this must be the final straw. i have done all i can to make our friendship work (its been a very long hard journey). and now, i just dont know anymore. what i do know is if what we had as friends didnt mean enough for him to be there for me in a hard situation, then it never meant anything at all. you wont begin to imagine how much it hurts to say this, but the truth of my life was never a happy one. i just dont know anymore... Current Mood: lonely Current Music: thrice-stare at the sun (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 29th, 2004
4:30 pm	bleh Your a wind spirit. Your quiet and kind of distant. You dont let many people warm up to you you are independant and smart, but some propele find you odd. what kind of spirit are you? brought to you by Quizilla i guess its been a while since i last wrote in this stupid thing. nothings really changed. ive gotenn over her, it feels good, but it leaves me empty and kind of not the same as i was before. along with the bad went the good. the semesters going by fast, as is my life. am i just wasting my time? probably, but i dont care. i dont see point or meaning in my life, so i really dont care about my future. each day just flys by like none of them matter, because in fact, they dont. i dont care about my grades. i dont care about my future, i dont care about even living another day. am i saying i want to kill myself? no, but if i went to sleep knowing id never wake up again, id pop some benadryl and drift off into the peace and quiet of nothingness. i guess i cant really complain, ive had enough of that. ive had more than my fair share. am i the star beneath the stairs am i the ghost upon the stage am i your anything? Current Mood: indifferent Current Music: afi-morning star (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 15th, 2004
5:06 pm	but you, you were my favorite yeah, since its raining, and im super bored, i think ill do this survey i stole from this kids journal. here goes. [my name is]: bijan [height?]: 5'7 [in the morning i am]: bitchy, mean, not alive [all i need is]: someone who gives a shit [love has]: been a fuckin asshole [if i could see one person right now]: probably katie [im afraid of]: rejection [i dream about]: ..... -H A V E .Y O U. E V E R . . [been in love]: yes [cried when someone died]: yes -W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R- [coke or pepsi]: water [flowers or candy]: candy [tall or short]: short i suppose -W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X- [what do u notice first?]: the eyes say it all [last person u slow danced with]: cant remember [worst question to ask]: this one? -W H O- [makes u laugh the most?]: jamie [makes you smile]: her [gives u a funny feeling when u see them]: she does [do you have a crush on?]: no comment [has a crush on u?]: i dunno, no one i suppose [is easiest to talk to]: katie -D O. Y O U .E V E R- [sit on the internet all day waiting for someone special to I.M. u?]: perhaps... [save aol/aim conversations]: no [wish u were a member of the opposite sex]: no [cried because of someone saying something to you]: probably H A V E .Y O U .E V E R- [fallen for ur best friend]: my best friend? nah.. [been rejected?]: oh yeah, it was horrible [rejected someone]: not that i can remember [used someone]: nah [been cheated on]: yes [done something u regret]: every day [been drunk?]: yeah [done drugs?]: yeah -W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N- [u talked to on the phone]: mom [hugged]: robin or katie [u instant messaged]: amanda i think [that instant messaged you]: jon [u laughed with]: jamie -D O .Y O U- [color ur hair]: no [ever get off the damn computer]: never [habla espanol]: hopefully -D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U- [smoke cigarettes]: occasionally [obsessive]: yes [could u live without the computer?]: hell no [how many peeps are on ur buddylist?]: are you gay? [what's your favorite food?]: the kind that takes hunger away [whats ur favorite fruit?]: strawberries or peaches [drink alchohol?]: rarely [like watching sunrises or sunset]: sunset, night time bitch [what hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?]: emotional [trust others way too easily]: yes [ Current Dress ]: innes shirt, $12 jeans from walmart [ Current Mood ]: lonely, bored [ Current Music ]: coheed and cambria [ Current Taste ]: none [ Current Hair ]: i dont care? [ Current Annoyance ]: school [ Current Smell ]: moms cooking [ Current Thing I Ought To Be Doing ]: homework i guess [ Current Favorite Artist ]: hmmm, dali or frida kalo [ Current Favorite Group ]: against me! or coheed and cambria [ Current CD in Stereo ]: against me!-as the eternal cowboy [ Current Video In Player ]: i dont know [ Current Worry ]: i worry about everything [ Current Crush ]: fuck you [ Current Favorite Celebrity ]: dont care [ Boyfriend/Girlfriend ]: hah [ Been In Love w/More Than 1 Person? ]: no [ Meanest Thing A Guy/Girl Has Done To You? ]: rejection sucks ass. [ Ever Broke Someone's Heart?]: not that im aware of [ Someone Break Your Heart? ]: yes LAST PERSON... [ You Talked To ]: lexi [ You Hugged ]: you asked me this already [ Instant Messaged ]: you repeat yourself too much [ You Yelled At ]: dont know [ You Had A Crush On ]: seriously, i think pretty much everyone knows this [ Who Broke Your Heart ]: :-( FAVORITE... [ Food ]: pizza [ Drink ]: water [ Color ]: red [ Album ]: i dont have a favorite. too many to list. [ Shoes ]: emerica [ Candy ]: sour patch kids or peppermints [ TV Show ]: dont watch it. [ Movie ]: donnie darko, requiem for a dream, a bridge on the river quai, all of the lord of the rings, many many more [ Dance ]: no [ Veggie ]: still thinking about it... [ Type of music ]: im an eclectic. if its not rap, ill listen to it. ARE YOU... [ Understanding ]: i try to be [ Open minded ]: usually [ Insecure ]: oh yes [ Interesting ]: i dont think so... [ Hungry ]: not really [ Friendly ]: i try to be [ Smart ]: i dont know [ Moody ]: sometimes [ Childish ]: when im hyper. or trying to hide something... [ Independent ]: i dont know, hopefully i will be soon. [ Hard-Working ]: im lazy [ Organized ]: hell no [ Healthy ]: no [ Emotionally Stable ]: not the least bit [ Shy ]: yeah [ Difficult ]: sometimes [ Attractive ]: fuck this question [ Bored Easily ]: like you wouldnt beleive [ Messy ]: yeah [ Thirsty ]: yes [ Responsible ]: not all the time [ Obsessed ]: with certain things WHO DO YOU WANT TO... [ Kill ]: dr. connelan [ Look Like ]: my family? [ Be Like ]: james dean, die young bitch. [ Talk To ]: anyone that cares [ Be when you grow up ]: i dont plan my future [ Buddy Icon ]: coheed and cambria [ Bedspread ]: blue-ish? [ Carpet ]: boring ass gray [ Walls ]: boring ass white [glasses]: the ones i wear every day Current Mood: drained Current Music: brand new-me vs. maradona vs. elvis (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 11th, 2004
12:23 am	sadhfaslhfwfw so yeah. today i went golfing with bibi and the jamester. it was fun, golf is a good way to take your mind of stuff. uh, later me and jamie went to shogun with laura, and then went and watched mallrats. kind of a relaxed day. i dont really feel like writing in this thing anymore so im going to split now. goodbye. Current Mood: weird Current Music: le tigre-riot grrrl (Comment on this)
Friday, January 9th, 2004
11:27 pm	so um, yeah. today was pretty cool. i basically just hung out with friends. i got to hang out with robin after like, 8 years, so that was cool. she is awesome. uhhh what else, basically just skated after i got home, and then went to brothers. robin met us up there, and since the whole fucking woodlands decided they could go for some nice greasy brothers pizza, we went elsewhere. namely whataburger. i ordered chicken strips but didnt really eat them because im not to sure about meat anymore. i was fucking hungry though, so whatever. i ended up giving most of my food away. after that we "tried" to skate, but the damn bitchtit security guard was being el deushe to the max, so we had to evacuate. other than that, not too shabby of an evening. Current Mood: content Current Music: against me!-cliche guevara (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 8th, 2004
9:39 pm	screw the past You are Weak and Powerless. ::promised i would find little solace and some peace of mind whatever just as long as i don't feel so desperate and ravenous so weak and powerless desperate and ravenous so weak and powerless over you over you :: What song are you from Thirteenth Step? brought to you by Quizilla i love a perfect circle. the past few days have been really hard. im so sick of being depressed. im so sick of not being able to get over her. i havnt seen this girl in over two fucking months! im tired of feeling this way, and i really need to get on with my life. why is it so fucking hard? its hard to move on when you think of what your leaving behind... Current Music: a perfect circle-blue (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
7:15 pm	schools are prisons. You are guided by darkness. Chances are you are depressed, or you just always see things in a negative point of view. You sit back and take everything in. You are the gentle giant. But one day you will snap. (Rate my test) What force is your soul? brought to you by Quizilla fuck school. i hate it. i hate everything about it. the teachers, the kids (i love my friends), the empty feeling i have when im there, the empty feeling i have when i get home. it doesnt help that i dont know anyone in any class or at lunch. ive been feeling better lately, the depression/girl thing is starting to feel better. although i still get pretty heavy feelings of sadness from time to time, i smile when i think of her instead of mope... i especially hate my history teacher. psycho feminazi "doctor" connelan. fuck her. i hate her and her stupid feministic comments and the stupid way she comes off as "tough, but fair." cut the judge judy shit you dumb bitch, and teach like a real teacher should. with some emotion other than "im the fucking teacher and you have to do every god damn thing i say or i will fuck your life up." GO TO HELL. its the first day in class, and she is already the "human being" i loathe the most, i hope she chokes on her spit while numbing the brains of some hopeless and scared teenagers. good job bitch, instead of teaching us why dont you just tell us why men are better than women because "they write all the history books." then start a parade and get trampled on. so, besides her, the other classes arent so bad. coach smith, my geometry teacher is pretty cool, and my spanish teacher, well, meh. i guess its pretty lonely not knowing anyone, i find myself being the quiet kid no one really notices now, but i guess i can deal with it. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: a perfect circle-magdalena (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 5th, 2004
1:18 pm	the quiet things that no one ever knows... im back at it again. depressing myself over something i can never have to begin with. i had a dream last night, it wasnt anything crazy, like the dreams i usually have. but i dreamt that we were together. it was a beautiful dream, and i woke up wiping my eyes. i couldnt sleep afterwards, so i popped in requiem for a dream. what a great movie. i want to tell her all these things to her, tell her how i feel, tell her that she is the most gorgeous thing i have ever seen, but i never have been good at that sort of stuff. i guess the last time i tried it hurt too much, i can still remember holding back the tears so i didnt look like a fool in front of my friends. i just wanted to let go so bad, but i guess you have to be strong in these situations, "never give up hope." well, i have no hope to give up in the first place, so why bother being optimistic and hoping for her to feel the same way, when i know itll never be that way. someone punch me in the face. "It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's choking me up. Die young and save yourself." Current Mood: smitten Current Music: brand new- okay i beleive you, but my tommy gun dont (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 4th, 2004
12:37 am	desperate and ravenous You represent... loneliness. Always alone and always sad about it... unlike angst, you don't have to look for a reason to be miserable. You want to be in the company of people but aren't sure how to act when you're with them. Sometimes you have to make an effort. You can't always wait for others to come to you. What feeling do you represent? brought to you by Quizilla i write in this thing, i guess because i dont really have that many people to talk to. when i try to, i fuck it up, so this is really my best source of comfort. this stupid journal. i think im still a little down over her, but im doing better. could this mean im getting over it? who knows, only time will tell... anyway, nothing to special happened today. hung out with jamie all day, he seems to be one of the only people i can truly count on. probably only 3 or 4 people fit that category.. i was going to hang out with lexi today, but i guess things didnt quite work out. oh well, hopefully well get to hang out before the break, she is a good friend and a cool person to be around \:)/ the depression has been on and off. it usually comes around when im alone, thats the only time i can really think about stuff. i dunno why, even with the handful of awesome people i can call friends, i still feel alone. i dont know why, its like im always on the outside. oh well, im glad im getting all this out on this damn journal so i dont complain another friend to death (im sorry, i hope you dont think im a total tool). thats about all i can think of for today, i guess ill see you later. if anyone actually reads this thing. which im sure they dont. oh well. desperate and ravenous so weak and powerless over you Current Mood: cold Current Music: story of the year-nothing can fly (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
1:23 pm	your eyes show unhappiness which eye are you? brought to you by Quizilla "pull the trigger and the nightmare stops" Current Mood: blank Current Music: the mars volta-televators (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, January 2nd, 2004
4:26 pm	all the right reasons to fuck it up last night was a really low point for me. i dunno, my day wasnt that bad. when i got home from skating i got in a huge argument with my parents over some really stupid shit. after that, i started feeling depressed. ive been having some really bad mood swings lately. so i got on the computer and listened to music to calm my nerves. and then, i look on my buddy list and i see that she had just logged on. i said hey, i wanted to see what happened the other day when i didnt hear from her. she had told me that the last few days had been really bad for her. i wanted so bad to try and help her, because the last few days have been shit for me too. i told her that its been the same for me, that the last few days ive been feeling low emotionally. ive even thought about what it would be like to die... ive never thought that before, and it scared me. so anyway before i know it ive said too much, and shes asking me about why things are so shitty. what did i do? i babbled and rambled, i couldnt put the words together exactly how i wanted to. i made an ass out of myself. i mean thinking back on it, i realize how stupid i must have sounded to her, i mean jesus, what the fuck was i thinking. although, ive never really been that good at expressing my feelings. im so used to having no one to talk to, when she asked me what was wrong it caught me off gaurd. i wasnt expecting that. its actually only up until last year that ive had any real friends. it makes me feel warm inside that someone would care. how did i respond? by not making sense of the words i was typing down and in the process looking like a fucking idiot, i didnt even take the time to ask what was bothering her. i feel so selfish. i was trying really hard to tell her how i was feeling, but it was too much for me to put into words. i knew exactly how i was feeling but i couldnt describe it. looking back i find that some of the things i said were so stupid it makes me wish i had the power to turn back time and not even say them. so right when i finished being an ass, she had to go. was it because of me? i dont know, but i do know that im never doing that to anyone again. Current Mood: distressed Current Music: hole-violet (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 1st, 2004
11:35 pm	what the fuck is my problem You are the one who holds back your feelings from others and yourself. You dont want to show people your weak u dont want sympathy. Your strong but maybe... you should show ur feelings, just alittle* The type of pain ur eyes behold brought to you by Quizilla wow. well, fuck me. i got back online to see if there was anyone to talk to, ive just been feeling so shitty lately that i just needed to reassure myself that there was someone out there. so who did i torture? the one person i didnt want to... and i know she asked me, and i know she said it was alright, but i know inside that all i did was talk about myself and how shitty i was feeling rather than try to at least find out what was bothering her. im such a dick. i just wish i wasnt such a whiner. hah, share your feelings a little. ive done more than my fair share, im sorry. (Comment on this)
8:51 pm	today was the first mildly ok day since a long time ago. i was a little bummed because i wanted to hang out with robin yesterday, but i never got a call back. maybe my fone is just a piece of shit, but ill be taking care of that real soon. i basically just skated around with jamie, and then cale showed up a little later. were planning to go skate at krogers at like 3 in the morning. i feel like shit because i said something to cale i really wish i could take back, so sorry dude \:(/ anyway, im in kind of a hyper/somber/artistic mood, so ill probably write something, and spend the rest of it on skating. the only thing that takes my mind off everything else thats fucked up. so, i guess ill talk to you guys later. by the way, my cell fone is messed up, so my house number is 932 273 6810. call if you are inclined to do so. Current Mood: creative Current Music: TOOL-lateralus (Comment on this)
2:10 pm	happy fucking new years new years. bah. i never really cared too much for this holiday. maybe its because i hate change. there was something that used to make me happy, but those are just empty feelings of infatuation. if it was meant to be it would have happened long ago, and i just now come to realize that. on the plus side, i have 2 or 3 really close friends that are there for me, and i am just as happy to be there for them. i love every one of my friends.i remember that i used to be totally lonely, no one really talked to me, i was always on the "outside". and i didnt give a fuck. fuck them all. even though i still feel that way sometimes, i know that i have at least a handful of people that actually give a shit. i am thankful for everyone of them. but sometimes, no one can help with loneliness, not even the ones you love... fuck new years resoloutions. Current Mood: uncomfortable Current Music: alkaline trio-crawl (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 31st, 2003
6:44 pm	oh, you handsome devil well, where do i start. today would have to be the worst day in a long long time. to start off, its fucking new years, and all my friends are grounded for the same reason. so when everyone else is partying and getting fucked up (i wish i was fucked up right now), im sitting on my ass lamenting in my own lonliness. cool. i was hoping to get to go to the movies today with one of my friends who i havnt seen in a very long time, but i never got a call back. honestly though, that was probably the thing that really made me kind of sad. oh well. i basically spent one half of the day at home, and the other half at my friend jamies, even though he is grounded. i hope he doesnt get in trouble :/. so we couldnt go anywhere. i miss her... Current Mood: missing her Current Music: dead poetic-august winterman (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
7:30 pm	depression ive finally sunk. i find my self staring at the ceiling, and seeing that face, that beautiful face, and i look into those big bright eyes, and i cant begin to describe this kind of sadness. i dont like sharing these feelings, but fuck, thats what these things are for. i try as hard as possible to be normal, to act normal. its no use to walk around moping, but inside this is killing me. every time i think of her, it brings a feeling of empty sadness, i dont think anyone is supposed to feel like this. i dont think anyone was meant to... Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: a static lullaby-the shooting star that destroyed us all (Comment on this)
Monday, December 29th, 2003
9:07 pm	what is wrong with you and me... i just got back from new mexico. i should be happy to be home, i didnt like the trip. all i find myself returning to is sadness. its been a long time since i felt like this,since felt this low. especially over her. i dont know why i keep this up, why i keep feeling like shit over a girl i barely even know anymore. hell i cant even remember the last time we hung out. and i find myself missing her more and more with each passing day, and i just want to punch myself in the face for being such a fucking prick. i mean, why do i subject myself to this shit, when a normal person would have moved on by now? beleive me i have tried before. i cant bring myself to do it. she is so beautiful. her face, her eyes, all make me feel warm inside, a sense of comfort. but comfort is a temporary sensation, because for that few moments of comfort, i have to go through many moments of pain and depression. i just wish things werent the way they were, i wish i wasnt such a god damned..i dont even know a word to describe me. i wish i could quit holding on to the past..i wish i could quit wishing for a future that will never happen. by the way, if your going to comment on how i just want attention, fuck you, stop reading my journal. "'m writing you this letter to let you know I'm not alright. And in this city the streets are paved with hate And you cry yourself to sleep tonight. And say "no, there aren't enough love songs in the sky." Current Mood: depressed Current Music: thursday-dying in new brunswick (Comment on this)